At Least Buy Me A Drink First

Hey! It’s Bren, the monkeymama, filling in today while your favorite anglophile is posing for pictures with a mouse while humming “It’s A Small World.” I was working on this post over at my Primate Place where monkeys freely jump on the bed, but thought I’d share it here instead.

It’s almost that time of year. Here in Texas, the summers are so hot that my monkeys and I spend most of our time at the neighborhood pool. If we don’t go early, like by noon, it’s too crowded to really enjoy ourselves. I mean, who can swim when there are enough kids crammed in the kiddie pool to freak out Old Mother Hubbard. The last time we went to the pool in the afternoon, I decided we would never go when it’s that crowded again.

I’m usually pretty tolerant of other children running around, making noise, etc. Mine can be loud occasionally. But I don’t let them bug the crap out of other people. And I actually watch my children. An inconvenience for some parents, I know, but hey, it’s my job since I birthed them and all. I was on one of the chairs, relaxing, soaking up the sun, watching my kids swim best I could with all of the others splashing around them, and minding my own business. A kid who looked to be about 5 walked up and pointed out a sign above my head.

Him: That sign says no running.
Me: Ah, okay.

Five minutes later…
Him: That sign says no running.
Me: I know. You just told me.
Him: I know too.

In the meantime, his sister wanders over. Their mother is under an umbrella on a cell phone completely oblivious to where her kids are or what they were doing. The kid was maybe two. She wanted our beach ball so I told her she could play with it. She promptly threw it in the water and walked away. I had to get up from my nice comfy spot and fish it out of the water before it floated away and disappeared. As soon as I sat back down, she returned and tried to take my phone from the top of my open bag on the chair next to me.

Me(trying to be nice): No, no honey!
Her: Waaaaaaaaa!

The kid’s mother never looked up. The kid wandered off but as soon as I got settled and relaxed, she came right back, reached up, and grabbed my boob. No kidding! WTF?
Me(pointing and no longer trying to be nice): Go over there with your mommy!

I then told my kids they had five more minutes. Since it was obvious I couldn’t relax and I’d just been felt up, it was time to go. As I’m leaning over to pack up our things, the little boy came back.

Him: That sign says no running.
Me: Do I look like I’m running?
He made a face and walked away.

This year we will go to the pool when it opens in the morning. So what if the water is so cold that my little monkeys are blue-lipped and shivering. At least, I won’t have to worry about the overcrowding, the unsupervised kids, or fighting off unwelcomed advances. And hell, everyone knows I need a few tequila shots before I let strangers grab my boobs.

And The Opening Act Takes The Stage

Hi folks, it’s Blue Momma here. Usually I hang out in my fishbowl, but AFF has asked me to be the opening act for her week of guest posts and I couldn’t say no.

Then I started thinking about it? Opening act? First on stage? Yeah, that would be about right. I’m here to warm you up for the big guys who are coming later in the week. And holy crap, I still have stage fright. That’s a big task for a small fish like me, warming up for Janet, Catwoman, MonkeyMama, and Burgh? Geeze. So this is what performance anxiety feels like.

Luckily for me, I have something fun to post about. Here it comes.

I got to meet the illustrious Anglophile Football Fanatic this weekend.

IN PERSON. IN REAL LIFE. IN THE FLESH.

Ok, quit gasping and being jealous. After all, I do have to share her with you every day. Shouldn’t I get to feel special, if only for a few hours?

Oh, and Puppy was there, too. Yep. The whole Fanatic family. Well, less SD, which really sucked, but I figured two out of three ain’t bad (feel free to hum/sing that phrase if you are old enough to remember the song).

So AFF and Puppy swung through Birmingham for a meet and greet with Blue Momma on their way to see Mickey. It’s really funny to be meeting someone for the first time whom you feel like you already know so well. Just ask Puppy. hehe

AFF and I found each other through Catwoman. I believe our first contact was in relation to my lust obsession attraction fascination with Moe Doodle. Yes, Moe Doodle. I can’t be the only one who’d like to doodle that Doodle. There’s just something about that orange hair and the back flips….

Anyway, I digress. So just like in the fairy tale, we found each other and have lived happily ever after. It’s really a bit spooky how much we have in common. Especially considering we are at the same time totally different. But it works, you know?

So hubby and I pick up AFF and Puppy at their hotel (cat allergies (both) and fear of the weird internet friend (puppy) kept them from staying at la case Blue). They are waiting in the lobby and I walk in and around the corner and there they are in all of their fabulousness.

And please. Don’t believe AFF’s hype. She is so not fat. Not close. I on the other hand? Looked like the jolly green giant standing next to her. Thank God I didn’t wear green or I’m sure that little Sprout dude would have been following me around all night, looking for green beans or something. Despite Burgh’s request, I resisted the urge to lick her. (Burgh, you so funny - said in my best ghetto fabulous voice).

Did I say she brought Punkin a gift? An animal puzzle. If you’ve ever been over to my fishbowl, you’ll know that Punkin is obsessed with animals. He tore into that puzzle within about half a second of seeing it. He LOVED it. If AFF wasn’t already one of the cool kids, that sure would have made her one in my book.

So we went to dinner and the conversation flowed. No silence, even from the hubbys. Time went by all too quickly and it was time for us to go. Of course I made sure to get a couple of pictures, which for me? Is a huge deal. I am so unphotogenic. Plus without photographic evidence I can pretend I look like Scarlett Johansson. But I HAD to have a pic of AFF and I so I bit the bullet and put Puppy to work.

AFF and Puppy

AFF and some chick that is waaaay bigger than me

We dropped them back at the hotel and I was immediately missing my friend and planning my trip to Texas. Be careful, because if you’re not? I’ll stalk you, too!

Ok, the opening act is leaving the stage. But before I do, a message from Catwoman. She knows AFF in real life, too (I get to say “too” now because I’ve met her!). You know what that means, right? She knows all of the dirt!!!! So lets ask her some questions. Good, sordid, embarassing ones! When she does her post on Thursday she’ll spill all of the beans, filling us in on the REAL AFF.

Puppy? You better not read that one……

HF: House of Mouse

Antibiotics!
Please kick in! for Mom & my babe.
I hate Murphy’s Law.

Vacay all next week
Heading to the House of Mouse
Simply cannot wait

I can suck it up.
He needs clear ears on the plane.
Since I won’t be there.

SD loves Mickey
This will be his first plane ride
Not sure he gets it…

Good luck Mom & Dad!!
Puppy & I are driving..
We’ll see you Monday..

I don’t fly, you know!
They volunteered to take him.
I think they’ll be fine??

And, there will be posts
I’m leaving you in good hands!
No doubts about that.

Stopping in the ‘Ham
For me to see Blue Momma
Thrilled beyond belief.

She will post Monday
Pictures from our rendezvous?
Come back to find out.

The MonkeyMama
From Primate Place has Tuesday
She’s gonna rock it!

Janet’s got Wednesday
Anticipate: sarcasm?
With some added spunk…

Catwoman’s Thursday
Pregnancy & puke, perhaps?
Or will she shock us?

Burgh asked for Friday
Specifically said FRIDAY
Could be anything?!

When I do return?
Sorry.  I can’ go cross-eyed
Catching up on posts.

I can’t read 100s
And still manage sanity
Know that I love ya!

I will mark all read…
to the posts in my feeder…
Please do understand!

If you write great stuff?
Email and say IT’S THIS ONE
So I don’t miss out.

Adios ladies!
I hope you have a great week.
I sure know I will!

Me with some mouse ears!
It’s a Small World After All…
Pictures are coming…

TT: Grow Old With Me…The Best is Yet to Be.

Dear Puppy,

Can you believe it’s already been nine years?  I feel like the baby was born yesterday…and the vows were maybe three days before that.   Hasn’t it been fun?  And, challenging?  I understand why the Church teaches marriage is a sacrament, cause there certainly have been a few times we’ve had to fall back on that to make it through a rough spot.  I never really doubted us for very long, because when you are married to your best friend, friendship will see you through. 

And, who else would I have had pinch me mercilessly while 89 year old Father Joubert discussed the “marriage act” while shuffling through the sacristy in house shoes during PreCana (in order to avoid falling on the floor in hysterical laughter)??  Who else would agree to me taking off work to finish reading a book that was that good? Who else would comfort me the day we found out about my PCOS and say, “We can adopt.  There is a child out there for us.  A baby doesn’t have to come from us to be ours.”  Then, when we did get pregnant light up from head to toe?  Who else would yell at a drunk and puking me, “You idiot!  The toilet.  The toilet.  That’s a wicker trashcan!!” and then be nice enough to clean up the mess?  Only you, dear.

I love you oodles & boodles,

The Moof

Ticket Stub for our 1st date

His 18th birthday - 1995

My Senior Prom 1996

Engaged! 1998

Married!  April 24, 1999

St. Patty’s 2000

Halloween 2001

South Bend 2003

Bridesmaid & Groomsman at his Brother’s wedding (7 months pregnant)

Christmas 2005

Halloween 2006 (70 mph winds!)

Sea World 2007

Easter 2008

Beating a Dead Horse

Murphy has decided to rear his ugly head: We were all set to go to the children’s museum yesterday morning with a group of our friends, when SD said he didn’t want to go.  And, he actually got a little teary.  As his allergies have been horrible the last few days with a snotty, drippy nose, I didn’t push it.  I’m not driving 45 minutes into Dallas to have him act up. 

My ”momdar” (that ability we all gain when we push watermelons out our hoohoos), certainly took note of the odd in my kiddo and watched for other signs.  I noticed he dug at his ear later.  Hmmm…not good.  Then, when I went to see why he was taking such a long nap (again…hmmmmm….not normal), I found him looking a bit foggy.  I felt him & he was burning up.   JOY! 

I managed to get him into the pediatrician.  Yup.  Double ear infections.  Did he once complain?  Nope.  Just the clues left for momdar to pick up on.  We got mega-antibiotics, and will get to go back on Friday.  If his ears aren’t very clear, he gets a big ol’ shot.

Then, last night while watching a truly amazing How I Met Your Mother, I started feeling a bit funky.  Before bed, I ended up taking two Benadryl to help me sleep (still woefully behind from last week).  I woke up with a stuffy nose, itchy throat, and popping ears.  I have been going downhill steadily this afternoon and finally got around to making an appointment for myself. 

If it is, in fact the 8th sinus infection in the last year, I wonder if I get to get that nose job?  Uncle Doctor said whenever I was ready.  Am I ready?  I dunno. 

Oh, thank you Murphy!  You sure do know how to kick a girl when she’s down.  It’s like you know we leave for vacation on Saturday. 

The Mars and Venus of Parenthood.

In my attempt not to murder my spouse (a few short days before our 9th wedding anniversary on Thursday) last night, I was pondering the Lorena Bobbitt factor: to slice and dice or to let him keep the family jewels..  I chose to walk out of the house, get into the car and drive around the block before I walked back in and told him to “take it back.” 

It all started when I complained about how I feel like I don’t get any help around here raising the baby.  Very rarely I get to go out alone, but I can count on one hand the amount of times we’ve been out together since the toddler arrived.  This is primarily because babysitters cost money…and money is not something in abundance in a house with a SAHM.  I know I’m not alone in this, right? 

I know the major reason we don’t get to enjoy evenings out is that we don’t have any family around.  I read about how so many of you drop the kid/s off at your parents’ houses and you enjoy several days of bliss with your spouses.  I also notice you do this during the day sometimes and you get to do retail therapy when the credit card creates an itch you must scratch.   I can’t help but feel a bit jealous.  Of course, this leads to saying we need to move home…which causes more tension.  It’s a cycle.

I tried to convey these feelings to Puppy.  How sometimes being at home is lonely.  How I feel guilty for finding it lonely and a burden.  He seemed mad that I didn’t enjoy the job I was lucky to have, as many women would love to just be able to stay at home with their children.  I did my best to explain that once in a while I’d like a whole weekend off.  His reaction?  “I’ve never heard of any mother who cannot handle one child.”  That hurt.  It hurt in a way I cannot fully explain.   

Do you understand what I mean?  Because I cannot think I am the only one that feels this way.  If there is one thing I’ve learned in blogdom, it’s that we all feel this once in a while.  I just happened to hit a new low while I was single parenting last week.  What should I have said to him?

Prom Night 08

Last night several ladies and I met up for an informal DFW area bloggy shindig.  There was food, wine, and a restaurant full of girls in prom dresses. 

I don’t know about you, but having only met one blogger in real life prior to last night, I was crazy nervous.  I’ve read all the ladies that attended: June Cleaver, Busy Mom of 4, Texas Poppet & Miss Elaine-ous , but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t trying on 17 outfits acting like I was on a blind date.  A blind date with people who know you more intimately than your closest friends as they are privy to your innermost thoughts.  Great!  Harder than a blind date.

What would everyone else be wearing?  Would I be over or under-dressed?  Would the pants I wore require one or two pair of Spanx to squlech into? (Two, but shh, okay?)  Well, you all know I recently dyed my hair back brown…and I’m still not 100% sold on it.  So, in addition to having questionable hair coloring, I also really need a cut, and my hair is limp and fine.  Umm, so what do I go and do?  I rolled my hair for the second time in maybe four years.  I emerged from the curlers resembling a French poodle at best or Shirley Templecirca 1932 at worst.  Yay.  This had the potential to be a total disaster, right? 

Aside from discussions on all things blog related, we kept glancing at the way the teeney boppers were attired.  There were two main types of prom dress sported this year: the dress with so little material you questioned whether you were unwillingly viewing The Emperor’s New Clothes OR the ball gown ala Cinderella with lots of sequins.  The ladies and I had to question teenage fashion a few times.  When did HUGE hoop skirt dresses make a return to the runways?  And, when did mothers care so little about their daughters’ modesty they would allow them out of the house dressed in little more than that tube belt once sold at Units?  I learned via a trip to the loo the most prized possession owned by teenage girls in the snooty section of Dallas is organic cotton underwear.  Who’d a thunk it?

Despite my strange appearance, we had a really good time and have vowed to do it again.  Holly showed off the scar from her famous minivan debacle - something so famous, I almost asked just to touch it…well not really, but it’s Holly’s scar?!  The one from the pictures.  Holly, just remember we all asked nicely for our stick figure pictures to look good when you chronicle our night out, ‘kay?  We talked shop with people who “get” it, we shared stories, we drank a little alcohol.  And, can you believe Texas Poppet gave us each homemade jam?  How cool is that?

After a week of single parenting with too little sleep, a few bellinis and some good conversation really made it all better.  Thanks gals.  I had fun.  Next time, Lindsay, Bren & Catwoman have to come, too.

Don Knotts, Lust & Flatulence

Warning: This is a look into a very sleep deprived mind.  It will most assuredly make you think differently of me.  Just remember, you were warned.

Okay, I have had about 13-14 hours of sleep since Sunday.  As I am pretty much required by law to get at least 8 to fully function properly, you are getting random snippets of real & imagined conversations I have had with others.

Last week someone on Twitter mentioned watching Newsies.  Oh, be still my heart.  Who is the star of Newsies?  None other than my Numero Uno lust of all time, Christian Bale.  Then, Lisa says something about a movie starring Johnny Depp is filming in Wisconsin.  I check the particulars only to find it is not a Johnny Depp film.  It is a film with Christian Bale, that just happens to have Johnny Depp in it.  Lisa, get the facts right next time.  Two mentions of CB?  The stars are properly aligned.  I go to sleep and have a dream.  It’s one of those dreams where you are like the robots from Mystery Science Theater 3k & know you are watching a film type dream.  My head senses this is a lusty dream, starring none other than Mr. Sex on a Stick.  OH!  I’ve never had such a dream of Christian & I’m so happy to be apart of it.  Then, of course, the letdown reflex.  Damn you my own head!  I do not get the dream of Christian as Batman.  No.  I get Christian in Empire of the Sun…aged 13.  So, my dream abruptly ends - cause even to my dreaming self, that’s creepy. 
Lack of sleep: 1 Holly: 0

My last post title was about Mr. Roper from 3’s Company.  I got a comment from Antics (who is hee larry ous, btw) and told her I was so tired today I was liable to do something crazy…like getting a tramp stamp.  She responded that she thought I should get one of Mr. Roper.  I thought about that and hit reply with: What about Mr Furley?  Can you imagine walking in & asking for a pic of Don Knotts on your ass for all eternity??  I was only half kidding.  Then I realized were you to actually approach a tat artist with a picture of Barney Fife for him/her to recreate, you’d probably need to be placed in a 12 step program of some sort.
Lack of sleep: 2 Holly: 0

Then, after all this, to add insult to injury, the small boy child did some naughty things.  First off, over the last two days I have heard, “BUUUUUUUUP.  Oh, mommy!  I burped.” giggle giggle.  Then, with one, comes the other.  “RIIIIIPPPP. Oh, mommy!  I fahted.” Great.  He’s heading to boyhood officially.  Babydom is over.  Then, the final straw?  Today, I am buckling him in his carseat when he just reaches up and gooses me.  EEk! “SD!!!! Do not squeeze Mommy’s boobies.” Holy hell in a handbasket.  How do you handle that one?  I’m too tired to think properly. 
Lack of sleep: 3 Holly: 0

Three strikes.  I’m out.  Until I find a few hours of sleep, I bid you adieu.

Where’s Mr. Roper?

Come and knock on our door…..
We’ve been waiting for you……
Where the kisses are his and hers and his…

What?  You’re still here?  I’m rather shocked.  After the totally crappy posts I’ve been coming up with lately?  I love you guys.

Well, this week we are not three’s company.  This week we are mommy and newly 3 year old.  Daddy dearest is visiting Beantown.  It’s the second business trip in about five years…and I’m trying to break him in on the “you go away, you bring the kid back a present” rule.  This trip he was under orders to not return with a piece of crap, like the last trip where he returned with a three pack of golf balls he grabbed from the LAX gift shop emblazoned with Los Angeles & a hooker-looking girl scantily clad in a bikini.  He went to a store today and apparently bought the child a Curious George alarm clock?!   Cause um?  Well, I just don’t know why. Seems we still need to work on the business trip present.

So, with the hubby leaving me, I ended up staying up until half past the middle of the night, because I don’t sleep well when he isn’t here.  Knowing I’d need to bring my A game to toddlerville this morning, I tried to stay up until my eyes shut of their own accord in order to avoid the wake/sleep battle.  Yeah, that didn’t work.  And, before I knew it, it was 6:28 and there was a jumping, bumping boy crashing through the ceiling over my bed.  I don’t know why I was so jittery (aside from 4 hours of sleep) today.  The thought of single parenting all week made me twitch.  I’m not used to doing it solo…and for men and women that do it day in and day out while working jobs, I tip my hat to you.  How do you do it?

I’ll be counting down the days until we are his and hers and his again.  Is it Friday yet?

That’s 3!

(Pictures Deleted)

Relief!  We really wanted a boy.

80 lbs of fat - 7.5 = Oh, dear God….I have a long way to go!

First rice cereal.

I know it’s a bad picture, but he cried the entire party.

Doing the sign for flower…and smelling them.

Not loving the first haircut.

And, Pop gave him a Hummer. Run for your lives.

Washing his wheels.

Happy Birthday, Sweetie Darling.  You’ve brought more joy to Daddy & I than we ever dreamed possible.  You were the answer to our prayers.  We love you oodles & boodles.  Thank you for making us smile each and every day.