April 21, 2008...7:43 pm
The Mars and Venus of Parenthood.
In my attempt not to murder my spouse (a few short days before our 9th wedding anniversary on Thursday) last night, I was pondering the Lorena Bobbitt factor: to slice and dice or to let him keep the family jewels.. I chose to walk out of the house, get into the car and drive around the block before I walked back in and told him to “take it back.”
It all started when I complained about how I feel like I don’t get any help around here raising the baby. Very rarely I get to go out alone, but I can count on one hand the amount of times we’ve been out together since the toddler arrived. This is primarily because babysitters cost money…and money is not something in abundance in a house with a SAHM. I know I’m not alone in this, right?
I know the major reason we don’t get to enjoy evenings out is that we don’t have any family around. I read about how so many of you drop the kid/s off at your parents’ houses and you enjoy several days of bliss with your spouses. I also notice you do this during the day sometimes and you get to do retail therapy when the credit card creates an itch you must scratch. I can’t help but feel a bit jealous. Of course, this leads to saying we need to move home…which causes more tension. It’s a cycle.
I tried to convey these feelings to Puppy. How sometimes being at home is lonely. How I feel guilty for finding it lonely and a burden. He seemed mad that I didn’t enjoy the job I was lucky to have, as many women would love to just be able to stay at home with their children. I did my best to explain that once in a while I’d like a whole weekend off. His reaction? “I’ve never heard of any mother who cannot handle one child.” That hurt. It hurt in a way I cannot fully explain.
Do you understand what I mean? Because I cannot think I am the only one that feels this way. If there is one thing I’ve learned in blogdom, it’s that we all feel this once in a while. I just happened to hit a new low while I was single parenting last week. What should I have said to him?
64 Comments
April 21, 2008 at 8:15 pm
The one child thing, below the belt. I think a lot of people think its easier with just one child. What they don’t take into consideration is the fact that you are this childs everything…playmate, chef, maid, book reader on top of doing all of the other things in the house that need to be done.
When you have more than one child at least some of the time they can entertain one another. I know by the end of the day I’m ready to pull my hair out (and Hope goes to kindergarten).
Good luck and I hope you can find a way to help him understand what you’re going through. Believe me when I say you are not alone.
April 21, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I do understand what you mean. I have no idea what you should have said to Puppy, but I understand what you mean.
I think it might be because mothers are more emotionally invested in their child than fathers are. I hesitate to speak in generalities and I realize that there are exceptions to every rule, but I do believe this. Heck, I think women are more emotionally invested in everything than men are…lol.
April 21, 2008 at 8:17 pm
I’m seeing a theme for the night…I’ve already read 3 posts about a very similiar topic. I totally undersand what you mean, and while my hubby and I do get out an average of once a week, and I do have family here to help on occasion, the raising of our child is mostly one sided…me 1 - husband 0. My biggest complaint is that yes, he works hard - DURING THE WEEK, weekends should not count. I KNOW in the 2 years that Ava has been here, he has NEVER said “honey, why don’t you sleep in and I’ll take care of her.” Most Saturdays you will find him in bed until at least 10, then he will get up…say a friendly hello, and then retreat to fall back asleep in the basement because he knows I won’t bother him there. I am pretty convinced that the only reason I’m NOT working is that he doesn’t want to share parental responsibilities. It’s okay to feel this way, I know we all do. Let’s face it, being a woman/wife/mother is hard work, and that’s why men weren’t meant to be the primary caregivers!
April 21, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Oh, do I ever understand you. I find it so difficult to express my frustrations or loneliness b/c I’m afraid I’ll hear (from anyone, not just hubby), “you wanted all these kids.” True, but just like a brain surgeon hates his job on certain days, yes, I hate mine on certain days.
Maybe if you can put it to him like that. He loves what he does and wouldn’t trade it, but he gets a break. You love what you do and wouldn’t trade it, but you don’t get a break.
I’ve also found that giving my husband lots of space and guy time tends to get me lots of space and girl time in return. Also, if I schedule my time after the kids are in bed or close to bedtime, he is much more likely to jump on the idea.
But, I’ve never had a weekend to myself…
April 21, 2008 at 8:24 pm
We have similar talks in my house. I think it boils down to appreciating each other. Now when I figure that out completely, I’ll let you know!
April 21, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Oh wow. That is a hurtful thing to say. I’m sorry. I wish I had an answer for you.
You and I both have very different lifestyles, but at the end of the day, we’re both mothers and there is no harder job than that (other than being a father). And I can imagine how much it hurts to have it go unrecognized and unrewarded. You DO deserve time to yourself and a “vacation.”
And I’m sorry you’re lonely. Being away from your family must really suck.
April 21, 2008 at 8:43 pm
i can totally see this argument from BOTH sides (sorry, hon).
you are home, and lonely, and with no break. he is out slaying dragons to keep you both in crackers and milk.
but, quite honestly, you must each walk (mentally) in each other’s moccasins before this can be resolved.
since you have been out in the work force before, though, it will probably be harder for puppy to see your plight than for you to see his.
good luck. there are no easy answers.
April 21, 2008 at 9:04 pm
You are NOT alone!!! Believe me….. and you do need a break. And your husband is just being an ass right now for not understanding. (You know what - they never can truly understand it - until you get a break and he is left taking care of the kid for a FULL alone weekend). (My husband finally understood when I went to an out-of-town funeral and left him alone with the kids. Then he understood how exhausting and overwhelming it can be sometimes).
I felt that way too - and still do to some extent, but my husband now understands that I need “ME” time. I come back a better wife and mother when I do - much happier. Remember - you are in a 24/7 job. Your husband’s job is 40 hrs per week and he gets a break from it.
Oh - I could go on and on and on….if you can’t get weekends away - at least try and schedule with your husband one evening a week where you get to go and do whatever you want (library, movie - walk - whatever.). He should understand that you deserve at least that.
April 21, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Sorry, fights are always so horrid. I have no advice but think Janet’s words are pretty wise.
God luck sorting it out
April 21, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Please!? What makes him think that you don’t enjoy your job. But ask him this! Ask him if he would like to live at his work. All day, all night, everyday of the year. No time offs, no vacation time, no breaks. Just him at his job 365 days a year. Cuz that is the mantra of a stay-at-home-mom!
Yes, having family around relieves a lot of stress. This I cannot argue. But you wouldn’t be having the urges to move home if you had a life outside of your work.
Trust me…I feel your pain. But I am very head strong and I won’t sleep until my hubby realizes the stresses involved with my job as a sahm. He knows better then to mess with me! Otherwise I would make him take on a second job just to prove a point. Yes….I am vengeful!
Hang in there and stick to your guns. You should not compromise your sanity b/c your hubby doesn’t get it! He will have to learn.
And I would have commented back that you have never heard of a father that didn’t watch the kid so the mom could take a breather!
April 21, 2008 at 9:52 pm
What he said to you is not the point of what you were trying to get him to understand. One child or two dozen, you’re still not getting a break. I remember when I just had my first child only and being lonely and wanting to get a break. I mean you love them dearly but you need space sometimes. 24/7 is tough.
April 21, 2008 at 10:22 pm
HUG!
I wish I could tell you what to say, but I have no clue. I’ve had to explain to spouse that my job is never over and that vacations for me aren’t really vacations, ya know?
Hang in there.
April 21, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I understand the whole family thing. We don’t have family around either. And it is hard when you see friends getting to do those things you miss.
As for his comments, it shows how out of touch he is. Parenting is an exhausting non-stop adventure. It invades sleep, eating, using the restroom. Everyone needs a break from their job to regain perspective. And being the full time parent as your job allows very few breaks. You deserve a break after being “it” for an entire week.
Good luck!
April 22, 2008 at 12:27 am
Oh darlin’.
You aren’t just taking care of one child. You are also taking care of one household. One husband (unless he’d be willing to let you trade that one in on an upgrade?). One FAMILY. Because face it… the mama is the one who takes care of everything and everyone.
And? Doesn’t he get a vacation from his job once in a while? One where he gets to leave and go somewhere he can just enjoy without feeling like he’s still on duty? You really should get a vacation from yours. It doesn’t have anything to do with being “able” to handle the one kidlet. But everything to do with how much you should be expected to handle on your own.
April 22, 2008 at 1:22 am
William sometimes says things that make me think he has totally lost the plot. Stuff like I am home all day, I should be able to keep the house clean and yet when he is home with them on the weekends and I come home to a mess he says ‘But I had the girls!’ Yes , men, they are not so smart.
Take a weekend away, don;t ask him, tell him. I swear those 2 weekends a year I go away are what keep me sane.
April 22, 2008 at 5:24 am
I’ve just parachuted in from Elaine’s blog and have some ideas for you. First of all I have to say you are doing great. You drove away… and you came back. Can’t argue with that!
You can reassure him that yes you can ‘handle’ one child. And then remind him that you are both in this together - even with you being the SAHM, you are both parents. The responsibilities might differ for each of you but you each need your time to be yourself again.
You could also ask him how he feels his role as a father is going?
Does he get enough one-to-one time?
Are there any experiences he wants to share with his child?
What memories would he like his child to have of him?
Maybe you can help him see that you getting some time ‘off’ can be a good thing for him.
April 22, 2008 at 5:43 am
AFF, you are soooo not alone. And, I work, and still want the “time off.” Luckily, my hubs lets me have some me time. But, we just paid for a sitter last weekend for the first time. And, we were stupid. We went to a group thing instead of spending some time with just the two of us.
However, I don’t want to move home. I will just enjoy the breaks that our family gives us when we visit them or they visit us!
April 22, 2008 at 6:14 am
It does suck to not have family around. Everytime I hear my sister dropped my nephew off with my Mom or my Gram for a few hours or the night, I want to punch her in the eardrum.
Jimmy once said he didn’t “get” why I was so insistent on going home to see my Mom for a night/weekend and why I didn’t always want to bring Morgan. He said if he didn’t get a break from work (meaning, he’s not working, he’s usually with Morgan), why should I. I flat out told him: sure, you work X amount of hours each day. But, that’s X amount of hours you’re NOT being a daddy. You’re not changing diapers, searching for a lost purse, keeping the kid happy, making meals, changing diapers, filling sippy cups and blah blah.
I think he gets it. He is good about sending me home for a weekend away every few months and it’s something I appreciate.
As for Puppy–Krissy’s comment is true. Ask him if HE’D want to spend 24/7/365 at HIS job. Go home for a weekend by yourself…let him do YOUR work for 48 hours and then? I bet he doesn’t open his yap and let something like that come out again.
April 22, 2008 at 6:34 am
I haven’t read all the comments so I may be repeating something that’s already said, but you should have said what I said to my husband when we had this EXACT.SAME.CONVERSATION a month or so ago. I said “I *CAN* handle it, but everybody needs a break now and then!” Most men have no idea what it’s like to be the one person that the child goes to for EVERYTHING. And when your spouse is out of town then there’s no choice — YOU have to do everything. It is hard and everybody deserves some time to themselves.
Also, he shouldn’t make you feel bad about feeling lonely at home. That’s natural, too. You didn’t give up your old self when you decided to stay at home. That part of you still exists.
April 22, 2008 at 6:51 am
“Really? Have you heard about all the women who kill their husbands in their sleep for making flippantly stupid comments like that?”
Victor is the same way. They don’t understand that criticising your parenting abilities is OFF-LIMITS.
We’re using a real babysitter this week for the first time ever and I’m terrified but it’s going to be worth it. You need a free weekend.
Blogher 08?
April 22, 2008 at 6:57 am
(((HUGS))) I know how you feel and I’d have left and taken a drive as well. We dont get out for the same reason - sitters cost money and while my parents live here, they’ve watched the kids a total of once in 10 months.
It’s hard to be in the house all day with the sole responsibility of turning your child into a responsible, caring human. Even if you have friends, it can feel very confining and lonely.
April 22, 2008 at 6:59 am
In so many ways, I am the Puppy and my husband is the AFF in our house. But, I would never say those words. I can absolutely understand how they could cut right through a person. *hugs*
April 22, 2008 at 7:06 am
Everyone needs a break, needs “me” time. Without it, the frustration builds and gets let out on other people- the kid, the husband. Can you guys set up time for a girls night and a guys night? So each of you could get out and do your thing?
April 22, 2008 at 7:21 am
Is he still in one piece? OMG. Let me at him. First of all, no mother holds it together 24/7 with any amount of children…even “just one”! OMG. Let me at him. Second, “one” still requires 24 hour attention. It is not like you can run off to the mall while he is napping because you only have “one”. OMG. Let me at him. Third, a little time off every once in awhile is a sanity saver. The motherhood gig may not be super intense from moment to moment, but the endurance required to survive occasionally needs a recharge.
Having “one” or more isn’t the point here. Quite frankly sometimes “one” is harder because the hours are still the same, but the distractions are not as plentiful. OMG. Let me at him.
Really, let me at him…
April 22, 2008 at 7:27 am
Men really don’t get it. That wanting time off is not the same as not being able to handle one kid (or two or three) They usually get weekends off, and we’re still Mommy - no matter how much we worked that week.
Switching places with them wouldn’t likely help, either. Budman stayed home with the kids for a few weeks between jobs a couple of years ago, and I came home from work everyday, to find them all curled up in a blanket in the middle of the floor in front of the TV. He did a fine job, they were taken care of, and they were SO happy to have Daddy all day - He fed them, and snuggled all day - but nothing else got done, dinner wasn’t waiting - there was still laundry to do - you get the idea. They just don’t get that it’s not all watching kids all day - and it is hard work.
April 22, 2008 at 7:38 am
You know I feel the same way! You just have to have some time away. I am lucky that I have my in-laws close by, but I don’t take advantage of it enough.
As far as Puppy’s comment about “one child”, he was totally in the wrong. One child is a HUGE job!
~HUGS~
April 22, 2008 at 8:20 am
Only around the block, huh? I’ve attempted to drive off an island or into the next state! And yes, you have lots of company. What’s worse is when the toddler becomes a teenager and yells “You never do anything for me!” like giving up a life for 18 years is sheer bliss? We don’t have family, and can’t do regular babysitters either. I think we’ve been on about 10 dates in 8 years. There is a couple here that every friday night is their night. Kids go to their room at 7pm and he makes her a nice dinner and they sit in candle lite over some wine, and NO ONE is allowed to intrude. EVERY friday. Maybe you could shoot for an in-home date?
April 22, 2008 at 8:57 am
Oh gosh - I’m sorry!! That did hurt! Maybe ask him to consider working at his job 7 days a week, no weekends off. Ever heard of a man who couldn’t handle one lousy job?
We don’t have family either and it stinks. (My husbands parents actually live 10 minutes from us but they don’t babysit. Nice huh?) We can afford to pay someone to help and I am so thankful for that! It adds up, but gosh it’s worth it.
Maybe you could work out a once a month date night for a few hours with a sitter? And maybe he would work out a schedule with you, like every third Saturday he keeps the kid while you get time to yourself.
*hugs*
April 22, 2008 at 9:49 am
That is a hurtful thing to say. I don’t know your husband but I imagine he didn’t say it to BE hurtful. He just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be at work 24/7, on call, and on demand. And it’s not just the caring for the child either…it’s the keeping the entire household functioning. It’s never ending.
I get to feeling like you do too sometimes. Even when I had “just” the one. All of my girlfriends work outside the home and of course they want to spend their free time with their family, so I don’t go out often. And my husband works such long hours away from home that when he’s finally home, he doesn’t want to go out.
I guess my advice (although it’s your marriage and I should really shut up) is to tell him how you feel without indicating him in any way. Because once they feel they’re being “attacked”, their defenses go up and they shut down and nothing is accomplished.
April 22, 2008 at 9:52 am
Oh, and I meant to say that sometimes having “just” one is more difficult when it comes to the amount of attention they need from YOU. When there are more than one they can keep each other busy and entertained.
April 22, 2008 at 9:55 am
You need a break. If you can’t get a Friday evening ‘out with the girls’ like my wife enjoys once in a while, if you can’t make him understand that you need to vary the routine once in a while, if you can’t make him understand that you need to be WITH HIM, and JUST HIM, once in a great while, then cross your legs and keep them crossed until he understands.
April 22, 2008 at 9:57 am
I completely understand and actually having ONE is harder than having FOUR. With one, you are the only entertainment and it is exausting.
If you have a friend with one your son’s age, maybe you could trade off babysitting?
April 22, 2008 at 10:11 am
Sorry girl! I know how you feel! Being away from family was so hard and I/we NEVER got a break. Luckily I finally made some friends in the area and we could swap off watching each other’s kids. Even during the day for something as stupid as grocery shopping. It doesn’t matter how many kids you have, you’re lonely and it’s hard. Hang in there!
April 22, 2008 at 10:25 am
Ugh. That conversation sounds SO familiar. I have had it myself a few times with Bud.
When I stayed home with the Bean the first year I could do most of it. Only becuase the child was somewhat immobile.
I definietly understand where you are coming from. I work full time and when I get home I am a mommy the rest of the time.
I cook, clean, take care of Bean and everything else. SO at the end of the day I am usually passed out.
I feel like I could recieve a little more help from Bud and he has admitted he should help more but alas that has not happened. We are lucky enough to have family close by to help us when needed but we still need to take more advantage to have some couple time.
(HUGS) Hopefully one day he can see the light. I have a bad feeling they are just not programmed to understand.
April 22, 2008 at 10:29 am
You NEED a break. We all do. And I totally get what you are saying about the guilty feeling of occasionally not wanting to be around the tot. You are human. We all deserve a break every now and then. Even from the little humans we prayed and tried so hard to bring into this world.
Pup was out of line. Plain and simple. To insinuate that YOU are the only one who can’t handle one kid is ridiculous. I can’t handle my son alone many days and count the seconds until someone (even my 8 year old) arrives to help. Being a SAHM is the hardest and worst job we will ever love.
We have a babysitter for 6-8 hours a week. Do you know when we use her? When my husband is off so that he can get something done around the house while I do my school work. Are you kidding me? I am stuck (& that is totally how I feel sometimes: STUCK) with the boy alone all the time. Last week, my husband was off and the baby went to the sitter’s house 3 days so he could clean the garage, etc. I still had to do my coursework but he got to pawn the baby off on someone else while I did it. And, my husband is uber supportive of my classes and me, in general. He is a huge help but still doesn’t quite get it.
Oh, I wish we were closer. I’d watch him for you. I think the time away from the little devils makes us love them more and be better moms. I wish the dads could get that….
xox
April 22, 2008 at 10:35 am
Yes, you are lucky to be at home, but 24/7 with anyone is too much.
He gets to go out to the ‘grown up world’ every day, and as much as he thinks it’s not ‘gets to,’ it actually is. He has no concept of your daily life, or the fact that mothers have guilt when they want to be away from their kids, and want to be back with them when away.
You need a few hours on the weekend for yourself, say every Saturday morning, even if you just get a coffee at a shop.
We don’t go out much either, because of the sitter thing.
As far as only one kid? At least mine entertain each other once in a while, and you are his sole entertainment. The number has nothing to do with needing ‘me time.’ I firmly believe you need to be a little selfish to be a good mommy (that’s probably why I work out!)
End of book.
April 22, 2008 at 10:48 am
I am lucky enough that my mom takes Little Miss for the night once a week, but I completely understand how you feel. It is a wonderful “job” to be at home with your child, but sometimes you need more! I need adult conversations. I find them here on the net, sad, ain’t it? Hubby is with other adults all day, he doesn’t understand that I want to talk to more than an 8 year old. She is wonderful, but I can only listen to so many hours of 3rd grade drama.
And retail therapy is out of the question with me too. I often get jealous when hearing of all the shopping trips others get to take. And without children! I never shop alone! I can’t go during the day when she is at school and she won’t let me go by myself when she is home.
If Little Miss is here, she is mine. Dad can leave for the day and enjoy himself, but Momma cannot leave without her. What gives? Why are men so special they don’t have to babysit so mom can have a little time to herself!?! When I mention this to hubby, it always ends up in a huge disagreement. I feel for you, really I do.
Tagged you for a meme, short, but cute.
April 22, 2008 at 11:32 am
You aren’t alone! From experience when I voiced these same things to my hubby he took it as an attack rather than venting.
When my boys were little Hubs wasn’t much help. “We” potty trained as in me. But as they are getting older he’s getting more involved. Most guys see babyhood as a woman’s domain and they take over once the kid can hit a ball.
Money is tight, my boys think eating is a hobby, and I stress that I’m not working. I thought about what you posted yesterday and part of me feels overwhelmed with what all I do in a day and at the same time that I’m just taking up space. I watch as others get to do and have things that we don’t and it doesn’t sit well with me. So again, you’re not alone!
EVERY woman needs a break. I hope your hubby gets that after flying solo for a week you need a break even if it’s just for a few hours. I used to grocery shop by myself and while it was a chore I was by myself!!!
Everyone always told me it would get better and it does. It’s just surviving until you get there is the trick.
Hugs!
April 22, 2008 at 11:42 am
Considering I’ve been out with you and Puppy called you after a couple of hours asking where you are or telling you that SD is asking for you, I can attest it’s obvious he doesn’t get it and totally back you up on this post. I guess I’m lucky. I don’t go out a lot, but when I do, Sweetie Pie knows not to call me or whine or say anything, and in return, I let him go to Tae Kwondo twice a week and hunting 4 or 5 weekends a year.
I agree with everyone above me. You need to tell him that you? are a good mother. And you? CAN handle a child for 10 hours a day, plus the other 14 when you’re on duty. And that you? Are going to go away for a couple of days and see if that changes his mind about you wanting time off. I know he’s an engineer, but surely even he should get it after 48 hours full on duty.
April 22, 2008 at 11:48 am
“fine you handle him, i’m going to my parents”
pack up and leave him for the whole weekend.
seriously. he’d have come crawling to the phone begging you to show up.
you are not crazy. we are facing the same thing if/when we have a munchkin. no family, no solid friendship base yet. no prosepects near “home” where we could move closer, anything.
personally, i want to kick his arse for you. but that’s just me. i think in this case, its time for you to just say “bye” and head out for 2 hours. at a time. each weekend day. for a whole month in a row. after all, he gets to come home and ‘play’ with SD and you have to WORK all day long, all night long, plus be a wife, a housecleaner, a cook, etc.
i can’t believe a college educated guy is that dense.
no offense. what i’m trying to say if you have every right to be offended, pissed off, etc. I’m angry for you. I didnt read what anyone else said , so sorry if i duplicated. and sorry if i’m too blunt. that’s just my style.
April 22, 2008 at 11:54 am
It’s completely normal for stay-at-home moms to want to spend time outside of the house with adults. It’s called being human.
Besides, being a mom is a full-time job - how would he like it if he had to work his job 7 days a week without a break?
April 22, 2008 at 11:56 am
You’ve already gotten so many great comments. But, we ALL feel this way sometimes, regardless of our child’s temperament, age, gender, etc. You are not alone!! Being a SAHM is lonely sometimes, not to mention a TON of work, liability and responsibility. I think that, because of the dynamics of the “job,” it is one of the hardest and most emotionally taxing jobs you can find. If he doesn’t get that, he needs to stay at home for a whole day, while you go out to eat, shop, workout or whatever helps you relax. And, see how he feels then!!! And, I do think that having one is harder than having more than one - because we are the sole entertainers!! Noone else to play with, distract and help pass the time.
Luckily, my hubby gets this and tends to push me out of the house for some alone time when he knows I’m getting close to cracking… And, I make sure that he gets his time to go to the airport, work in the shop or whatever he needs to get his time to take a few breaths when he’s stressed at work, too. Just like you acknowledge that he works hard, he needs to acknowledge your work, too (which is most assuredly and undoubtedly work!!).
April 22, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Oooooh, low blow! totally hitting below the belt.
I’ve had that argument with CableDad on many an occasion and I do get the luxury of dropping MJ off at my mother’s for a night every now and again. He always feels the need to tell me how if *he* were the one staying at home he wouldn’t have the problems I do. *sigh*
Sorry you’ve got to deal with this now.
April 22, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Well, you just can’t understand being a SAHM until you’ve done it. It is not a matter on not being able to handle it. Clearly you are handling it just fine. It is about recharging your batteries so that you have the patience and understanding you need to be the mom you want to be. With NO YOU TIME the batteries are low and so are the patience and understanding levels. It is simply about being able to be you again. Reminding yourself that you are a person that matters too.
Of course you are grateful you stay home, just the way he is grateful that he has a job that can pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean he would want to be at work 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the rest of his life. Everyone needs a little time off. Simple as that.
That’s what I would have said anyway.
And, thanks again for all of your support, kind comments and prayers. You are awesome!
April 22, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Well, I don’t know what I would have said, but I might just have had to backhand him!
He gets lots of “breaks” from the kiddo and you don’t. I think he just needs to be put in your position for a few days to change his perspective. I mean REALLY change it. As in, he’ll think twice before saying something like that again!
We’ve all felt like you before, that’s for sure. I sure hope he’s seen the light and is planning a romantic dinner out for two (does he read your comments?) to make up for his bad attitude! : )
And no, I have not Twitter-ed yet…
April 22, 2008 at 3:29 pm
You are SO not alone on this one! I don’t have any family around to drop the kids off at either. I had to wait until the oldest got old enough to babysit - it was a long wait.
BTW, thanks so much for organizing the swap with Alix - it was great fun and I got to meet a new person in the blogworld.
~ Beckie
April 22, 2008 at 4:01 pm
You are NOT alone. I too get jealous of people that have ‘grandparents’ around where they can just drop and go and I don’t. It is even harder when I am having one of those days when I call my mom to talk and she can’t talk because she is watching my sister’s kids!!! I hope all this ‘comment love’ has made you feel some better!
April 22, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I am in the exact same boat. We’ve been all alone without friends and family since the toddler arrived too. We also don’t have the funds or trust anyone to watch our daughter.
I would have been incredibly hurt too. Often times my parents think I do nothing but sit on my ass all day and eat Cheetos while the toddler watches TV. But unless someone does the same darn thing day in and day out without ever getting a break, they won’t understand. I’ve been on both sides of the playing field as a SAHM and work-outside-the-home mom. And staying at home with 1 child without ever getting time alone or a break is a far greater challenge. There’s never a time to clock out, the opportunity to talk to other people, be in a different room!
I hope you’re able to find some time for yourself or with hubby soon. *hugs*
April 22, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I wouldn’t say anything. Friday when the hubs comes home from work, quietly kiss them both goodbye, grab your small bag of clothes and head out the door for the weekend.
Wait, don’t listen to me. You’ll end up divorced. It takes a very special man to deal with me cause that is exactly what I would do had it happened that way in our house. But our hubbies might not be the same. So don’t listen. lalalalalala
April 22, 2008 at 6:55 pm
EVERY SAHM blogger has written at least ONE post like this - so you are NOT alone.
Have Pup be alone with him daily for an entire week - that’ll prove the point nicely. Does he read your blog. IF SO, PUP - apologize and bring her flowers TONIGHT!
April 22, 2008 at 7:29 pm
That was NOT cool at all.
I hope that all is mended by now and that the bruising on the family jewels has faded to a lovely shade of greenish purple.
As for what you should have said??? Maybe something to the effect of “I can’t believe you would purposely say something so incredibly hurtful to me. Your attitude is appalling. Give me the credit card.”
April 22, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Oh, hun. I’m so sorry. Men are insensitive and have absolutely no clue what being a SAHM is like. Even after 13 years of parenthood I’m still battling this. Sam sleeps in every single day that he’s off or works the late shift and I have 24/7 childcare. Every now and then I have asked that he get up with a child on a particular night, or allow me to sleep the next morning. But it’s never happened. As in NEVER. He just doesn’t grasp that he can come home and get away from his job but I live with mine. There is no break, ever. I think the problem lies in the fact that we do live close family. On the rare occasion that I go away and leave him with the kids he packs up and heads to the grandparents. Maybe if you leave SD with Pup a few more times than he’d like he’ll get the picture that childcare isn’t easy. Everyone needs a break from their job, even if it is the dream job of being a SAHM.
April 22, 2008 at 8:00 pm
You’re definitely not alone in that. I’m still a SAHM even though I now only have one guy left at home and he’s 16. I think I get lonelier now than ever. At least when he was little he liked me. Now it seems I’m not nearly cool enough and yeah, we can go out to dinner and just leave him alone so I don’t have to worry about the babysitter thing but yeah. You’re not alone.
April 22, 2008 at 8:08 pm
You’re definitely not alone but I think you know that by reading all of these comments. Our men, they just don’t get it unless they’re home all day, everyday with the kid(s). It’s terribly lonely as a SAHM. I don’t know about Pup, but my D can go weeks without speaking to his family or friends and it doesn’t bother him at all. Me, I need to either hang out or speak to someone daily.
You know, we need to get together one of these days and let our little guys play.
April 23, 2008 at 8:31 am
well, you’ve gotten a ton of responses already as usual (quite intimidating to me!) but I have to say, one child IS more challenging than two. That’s why we had TWO - so they’d entertain each other.
Thankfully my husband doesn’t pull this card - but we both work outside the home.
Good for you driving away. I would have seriously hurt him.
Take time for yourself. Just leave.
April 23, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Taking care of one child or 10 children is exhausting and not just physically. It is mentally and emotionally draining to care for a toddler. To have to do that every.single.day would be hard for any one.
Every single mother out there has days when she wants and needs a break from her child. That doesn’t mean that you are not a good mom or that you love your child any less. It means you are human and you get run down sometimes.
Example: Usually Chris and I take turns picking up Alyssa from the sitter. Well for the past 2 or 3 weeks, I have been the one to pick her up every day, as well as drop her off. So, after working for 8 hours, plus commuting, plus getting 2 kids ready in the morning and out the door, I have to pick her up after work too. The entire ride to and from the sitter is Alyssa fussing because she doesn’t like the radio station or her bunny fell or she wants her cup or I am breathing the wrong way!!
And to be honest, I am about to lose it. I need one or two days where after work, I can just drive home with the radio up and the windows down.
Not exactly the same, I know, but I know how you feel.
Sorry for writing a book in your comments!
April 23, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Did he duck when he said that? That’s a very brave man if he didn’t. This is what you do. Pack your stuff and come visit me for a week. When you get home ask him how well he handled one child alone for a week.
Bet it would change his mind. Men. Enough to turn you lesbian.
April 23, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Oh, I am so sorry he said that to you. I think it doesn’t matter in some ways whether you have one child or ten, you need a break from being “on.” He really needs to spend some serious single parenting time. It’s the only way he’ll learn.
April 24, 2008 at 9:04 am
You are not alone in wanting some “time off”. And I work and have “time off” every day! But sometimes you need time off where you don’t work on anything. I really envy all the SAHM’s out there - you give back a lot and probably get less time off than we working mom’s do.
You’ve made a good point. I feel like I take for granted having my mom just down the street to watch Karys while I go to a quick dinner with my husband, which is quite frequently.
Having family around really does help and hopefully he took back what he said and really listens to you and how you feel. It’s not fair that it is all on you all the time. You always need some quality one-on-one time. And some kid-free mommy time as well. Come to Houston - I’ll take you out!
April 25, 2008 at 10:58 pm
My husband and I came up with a plan where I get until 10:00 Saturday mornings to do what I want (sleep, duh!) and he gets Sunday mornings (soccer). Granted the kids usually come a climbing on me, I love getting to stay up late Friday nights guilt-free.
My kids were home from school this week so on Thursday I canceled the activity I had scheduled, called the babysitter, and ran three hours of errands. BY MYSELF! Same amount of money spent, the kids got a break from me, and I’m STILL glowing! A win-win.
Damn, this was a long comment!
April 26, 2008 at 12:59 am
I haven’t read through all the comments so I’m probably just repeating something here. But I think you did exactly what you should have done when you took some time out and then asked him to “take it back”. I hope he took it back. I am here to tell you I’ve been a sahm for 20 years now and my husband ’still’ doesn’t get it. Ok he kind of got it one weekend when I was gone and all hell broke loose. But even then, two weeks later he forgot telling me to never leave him alone with our three kids again. So the best thing we’ve done is to just be respectful of each other’s contribution to the marriage and family. NOT always an easy thing to remember. But reminding a spouse to ‘take it back’ is very very good. Because sometimes we just plain ol forget. Especially those men. I’m also here to tell you after this many years, THE #1 thing I regret the most is not taking some much needed time for just me. Soooo important for mom to make herself a priority!! I have spoken
April 28, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I said, “That’s fine. I can raise these boys all by myself. I can teach them how to cook, and dance, and sew, and paint. We will be totally fine. You carry along with your important STUFF! Then, I made sure he spotted them playing with dolls and dressing up as princesses. And my Mum, bless her, made paper dolls with them and taught them to design a fashion wardrobe!
The following weekend he took them all out to rally racing. I pretended to be going and at the last minute said “ME? This is boy stuff. I will be home cleaning” and got into bed with my book.
April 29, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Not sure what I would have said to that either…. I honestly don’t think men understand what it’s like to be home, all day, everyday. Having no other adult to interact with is what gets me the most.
I think now with the twins here, he gets it a little. But still, it’s something I think they will never fully understand. Definitely been in your shoes!!!
May 2, 2008 at 7:30 pm
One of us always ends up at Barnes and Noble when one of us chooses to leave the house. What I would have said? Oh, honey, then you won’t mind taking care of him while I’m gone for a weekend.
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