April 16, 2008...12:29 pm
Don Knotts, Lust & Flatulence
Warning: This is a look into a very sleep deprived mind. It will most assuredly make you think differently of me. Just remember, you were warned.
Okay, I have had about 13-14 hours of sleep since Sunday. As I am pretty much required by law to get at least 8 to fully function properly, you are getting random snippets of real & imagined conversations I have had with others.
Last week someone on Twitter mentioned watching Newsies. Oh, be still my heart. Who is the star of Newsies? None other than my Numero Uno lust of all time, Christian Bale. Then, Lisa says something about a movie starring Johnny Depp is filming in Wisconsin. I check the particulars only to find it is not a Johnny Depp film. It is a film with Christian Bale, that just happens to have Johnny Depp in it. Lisa, get the facts right next time. Two mentions of CB? The stars are properly aligned. I go to sleep and have a dream. It’s one of those dreams where you are like the robots from Mystery Science Theater 3k & know you are watching a film type dream. My head senses this is a lusty dream, starring none other than Mr. Sex on a Stick. OH! I’ve never had such a dream of Christian & I’m so happy to be apart of it. Then, of course, the letdown reflex. Damn you my own head! I do not get the dream of Christian as Batman. No. I get Christian in Empire of the Sun…aged 13. So, my dream abruptly ends - cause even to my dreaming self, that’s creepy.
Lack of sleep: 1 Holly: 0
My last post title was about Mr. Roper from 3’s Company. I got a comment from Antics (who is hee larry ous, btw) and told her I was so tired today I was liable to do something crazy…like getting a tramp stamp. She responded that she thought I should get one of Mr. Roper. I thought about that and hit reply with: What about Mr Furley? Can you imagine walking in & asking for a pic of Don Knotts on your ass for all eternity?? I was only half kidding. Then I realized were you to actually approach a tat artist with a picture of Barney Fife for him/her to recreate, you’d probably need to be placed in a 12 step program of some sort.
Lack of sleep: 2 Holly: 0
Then, after all this, to add insult to injury, the small boy child did some naughty things. First off, over the last two days I have heard, “BUUUUUUUUP. Oh, mommy! I burped.” giggle giggle. Then, with one, comes the other. “RIIIIIPPPP. Oh, mommy! I fahted.” Great. He’s heading to boyhood officially. Babydom is over. Then, the final straw? Today, I am buckling him in his carseat when he just reaches up and gooses me. EEk! “SD!!!! Do not squeeze Mommy’s boobies.” Holy hell in a handbasket. How do you handle that one? I’m too tired to think properly.
Lack of sleep: 3 Holly: 0
Three strikes. I’m out. Until I find a few hours of sleep, I bid you adieu.
58 Comments
April 16, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Aaron likes to include the words “poop”, “butt” and “underwear” in any conversation he can.
“Twinkle Twinkle little butt. How I wonder what you underwear.”
You get the picture.
April 16, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I think maybe I like this new sleep-deprived version of you. It kind of cracks me up that Puppy is like your Mom telling you to go to bed every night. Turns out, he’s on to something.
SD rocks. RIIIIIIIP!
April 16, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Ah, the joys of raising boys. It only gets better, trust me. On vacation we gave the kids chores. Luke didn’t get to have meltdowns, Becky had to keep annoying noises in her head and Josh couldn’t flatulate in confined spaces. Josh was about to explode with the containment of himself.
And isn’t goosing only referenced to the butt? Do pinching the jugs have their own term or do they really share with the booty?
April 16, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Did you see the Machinist? I couldn’t think of him as hot anymore.
April 16, 2008 at 1:20 pm
In my hours of desperation, we went to watch Johnny Depp in person last night. Sorry to say, 2 bits cuter than Mr. Bale.
April 16, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Hah! This is NOT strange, my friend– it can all be solved with about 14 hours of sleep followed by a spa treatment Puppy is sure to reward you with when he returns. Of course, if the 14 hours are spent dreaming of a Jake Lloyd in his Anakin role, THEN I’d have to say you were a little strange.
April 16, 2008 at 2:23 pm
you’ve only just begun… to live….
belches and farts abound…
a goose for luck and you’re on your waaaaaay….
sorry. i couldn’t help bursting into song over this post. (go, sd, go! lololololol)
April 16, 2008 at 2:23 pm
CB is gorgeous! I didn’t realize that was him in Empire of the Sun. Hmm.
The PE coach at the school I subbed at yesterday was named Barney Fyfe. I kid you not.
Hang in there. Have you tried melatonin? Works wonders. That and some nice relaxing tea (which I know you must have) will probably help.
And about the boy? Sorry, once that stuff starts, in continues until about fifteen minutes after clinical death.
April 16, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I cannot stop laughing long enough to properly comment on this one. The idea that your 3 yr old son goosed you is too much for my mind to process right now….
April 16, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Oh brother! I heart CB as well. Have you seen America Psycho? Totally creepy - he’s a killer - but WAY hot!
Hang in there until Puppy comes home!
April 16, 2008 at 3:20 pm
My ten year old son is big into giving purple nurples (nipple twists) to all the boys at school.
Somehow he thought it would be great fun to give me one while I was walking around in a sleep deprived fog.
I realized what he was trying to do and narrowly avoided being nurpled.
Which meant he narrowly avoided certain death.
Man, I love raising boys.
April 16, 2008 at 3:21 pm
LOL well the lack of sleep isn’t affecting the funny
What a let down with the Christian Bale dream - better luck tonight!
I just listened to a podcast on testosterone and SD hasn’t even begun yet if this was anything to go on!!!
BTW 8 hours of sleep a night lucky you I normally average 5.
April 16, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I am so glad I had girls!
April 16, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Oh wow - I hope you are sleeping right NOW!
April 16, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Please don’t bite me (see the 3rd to last word of your post!) just because you are tired! tee hee Hope you make it through the week without totally losing it!
April 16, 2008 at 4:40 pm
My daughter has been fascinated with my boobs recently. I dont know what that is all about. I just keep talking about “private parts”. Hopefully, it will get through to her.
And sorry - but Bale has NOTHING on Depp. Long live Johnny.
April 16, 2008 at 5:11 pm
mmmm… Christian Bale…. I have to admit, I found him hot even as the serial killer in American Psycho. Is that wrong?
And what movie with Christian Bale and Johnny Depp? I mean, could there be a yummier on screen combination?
April 16, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Oh, hubby, get home soon or else AFF is going to lose it!!!
April 16, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Yep…..he is a TRUE boy! Um Um Um!!! lol
Girl….get you some much NEEDED sleep!!!
April 16, 2008 at 7:33 pm
You need to go to sleep, my friend - even though this was one of my favorite posts ever.
And I think for your tramp stamp you should get Larry - wasn’t that the horny friend’s name?
April 16, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Yeah about the squeezing of the girls - just imagine when he says ‘but Daddy does it’. Then explain to him why only Daddy can do that and have him pout and say that’s not fair. I think my jaw hit the floor. Guys are born with it - they can’t help themselves!!
April 16, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Goose him back?
I like sleep deprived you too.
April 16, 2008 at 9:37 pm
The joys of boys, what more can we say.
Our latest is knock knock jokes about boogers.
April 16, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I agree, CB is a cutie but Johnnie Depp???? Oh, I am wetting myself just thinking of that hottie!!!
And I see nothing wrong with Mr. Roper on your butt. I was going to get “Packer fan” stamped on my ass until my hubby said “If you like having your butt “Packed” then I can help you out!” Get it? Packer…Near the Bunghole!
And next time little one decides to goose you (which they all seem to have some interest to our women bumps at some time or another), just imagine it being CB…….as batman!!!
Problem solved. Oh, and if farting and burping gross you out, don’t head over to my site and read about my disquisting daughter!
April 16, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I am sleep deprived as well…Husband went back out of town
I wish you lived near me, I’d come bug you 
April 16, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Lovin the sleep deprived posts
You’re cracking me up!
Hope hubby comes home soon!
April 16, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Um, if you do manage to find those few hours of sleep, and can maybe possibly afford to share one or two, could you send ‘em my way? ‘Cuz while you’re working on 13 hours over the last couple of days? I’m on 6. Since Sunday.
April 17, 2008 at 4:59 am
I think the burping, farting and general touching is part of being a boy. My little one does it and so does the big one. *sigh*
Pup better appreciate your sacrifices this week!
April 17, 2008 at 5:33 am
I have no advice as I am still laughing!! (Remind me of that when G turns 3). (((HUGS)))
April 17, 2008 at 6:09 am
I think having a Don Knotts tattoo would be awesome! You wouldn’t have to worry at all how it would look as you aged — it would just get more realistic looking!
April 17, 2008 at 8:56 am
At least SD didn’t say “Tune in Tokyo” while pinching your boob, then we’d need to worry.
You are lucky to have only one boy. In my home the farts, burps and other boy stuff is times 4(I include the hubby)
I had to tell my boys that it was NOT ok to touch Mommys boobies. Tried to explain to them that on a girl boobies are a private part. I still have to correct them when the younger 2 talk about their boobies. “No honey. You don’t have boobies. Boys have a chest.” Then I get a smart ass boy that says but I have nipples….
It never ends….
April 17, 2008 at 9:40 am
ugh. Mine has to touch my boobs like 10 times a day. and every time I have to tell him that isn’t something little boys do to mommy. Can’t wait til they are hanging out feeding the new baby. Oh, and mine has an obsession to my arm pits, and farting and burping…such joys of having a boy turning into a little man.
April 17, 2008 at 10:17 am
Now that’s a kid I can get along with.
April 17, 2008 at 10:29 am
I have a teething kiddo, I’m with you on the sleep deprivation.
April 17, 2008 at 12:14 pm
The sleep-deprived AFF is pretty funny!
April 17, 2008 at 1:27 pm
LOL at Christian Bale fantasy turning into a scary 13yr old creepiness!
April 17, 2008 at 1:31 pm
It’s not just the boys! My daughter thinks it is so funny to make you gag over the smells that come out of her. Always at home, never at school though, that just wouldn’t be right!
I always wanted a little girl, now I think I need to recheck between her legs. HEH!
She has a thing for pinching butts, none of us find it funny, well except her.
Good luck, there is more wonderful boy things to come.
April 17, 2008 at 1:38 pm
my 5 year old son LOVES to fart, burp and grab my boobs. To the latter, my husband tells him “those are mine, not yours” and to the former, he tells him “that’s my boy!”
men.
April 17, 2008 at 8:09 pm
The other day my daughter (4) told me that she liked my boobs. Then she said that mine are bigger than hers. I told her, “yep, for now”.
April 17, 2008 at 8:25 pm
i was going to post about my son grabbing my boobs and saying “hey mommy, you have cute boobies”. cute boobies! well, thanks…i’ll take that, seeing as they’ve nursed 3 children and they need their own set of shoes…cute, that’s fine with me!!
xoxo
April 17, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Your sleep deprived posts are hilarious!
The boob squeezing thing. Weird, isn’t it? I always had to tell my boys that it is not polite to squeeze my (or anyone elses!!!) boobs. Or butts. Or penises. Good grief!
Now go and get some sleep!
MamaGeek- Now I know the area you live in! And I’m so jealous you saw Depp!!!! I love me some Depp!
April 17, 2008 at 8:52 pm
LOL that’s hysterical he goosed you, even though I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time. My nephew is going to get into that stage pretty soon and his mom definitely isn’t looking forward to it.
April 17, 2008 at 9:24 pm
You know they torture people with sleep deprivation. I was actually enjoying your dream vicariously, but then had to seriously back off with you on the 13 year old CB thing. Hope you get some sleep tonight and dream of an older version.
April 17, 2008 at 11:23 pm
CB as a 13-year-old? Priceless. Sounds like your dreams are about as much of a letdown as mine. What a sad reality.
April 18, 2008 at 5:20 am
Too funny. Life without sleep is interesting to say the least…
April 18, 2008 at 7:03 am
Your dream still sounds better than the one I just had where I had hairy enough pits to braid! And trying to cut them wasn’t working too well. I checked as soon as I woke up and they aren’t, whew!
You need about 48 hours of sleep to catch up! Hubby hurry home!
April 18, 2008 at 10:16 am
John watches American Psycho like it’s religion. Which makes me a little scared that he’s plotting to chop me up while jamming out to Huey Lewis.
April 18, 2008 at 10:34 am
Oh, my.
The goosing is not fun I tell Patrick
‘it’s not appropriate to touch Mommy like that.’
Does he just miss them? maybe I shouldn’t have nursed!
April 18, 2008 at 1:24 pm
umm how about THAT HURTS. and pinch him gently on the arm (so that it hurts)…
that should get the point across? or is that too mean? i would say slap his hand, but i’m afraid someone would scream CHILD ABUSER at the top of their lungs.
sorry. wish I had ANYTHING more constructive than that. but i dont. i’m not sleeping well either.
April 18, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Girl you are F U N N Y!! Maybe you should get wired up on some Red Bull and post too, love to see what you would come up with then!
And ooh, MST3000, loved that show!
April 18, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I want to read what you have to say after about 3 more days of no sleep because this was hilarious. Although I sat here with my head tilted saying “Huh wha?” to the word ‘tramp stamp’. I must live under a rock because I’ve never heard a tattoo called a tramp stamp????
April 18, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Goodness, I’m so relieved I’ve got a girlie… Poor Holly!!! Hope having your mama around has helped you get some rest!
April 19, 2008 at 9:13 am
Hope you got your sleep
April 19, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Lack of sleep is horrible (and trust me i am an expert these days)
Oh happy birthday to SD , i loved seeing the older shots (im behind with everything as usual).
My BIL taught Rebecca to burp on command a few months ago and she still does it (maybe if DH and i stopped giggling like school children everytime it would help)
April 19, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Wowzers… sleep deprived or not… that is a lot of links to include in one post. You must be doing something right!!!
HUGS!
April 19, 2008 at 11:27 pm
This was absolutely hilarious!! And I didn’t know what a tramp stamp was either. God, I must be getting old!! Get some sleep, girl! Or at least chug a couple of Red Bulls!!
April 20, 2008 at 1:44 pm
You gotta love a post that includes a 13-year-old Christian Bale, Don Knotts, Mr. Roeper, and a burping, farting, goosing little boy . . . it doesn’t get any better than this!
Lack of Sleep 3
Holly 10 . . . at the very least for that cool post!
April 21, 2008 at 4:17 pm
One word: AMBIEN!!
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