The BiTcH is BaCk!

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I saw this once-upon-a-time in a land, far, far away for the first time at Chick’s….sorry for stealing your idea.  I think I’m rather justified in writing letters to the editor today.  I just got back from a 5 hour car ride, then a 3 hour Junior League meeting…one of four JL meetings this week. 

Now, that Lent is over, I am free to cuss again.  And, thank GOD! Cause I know screaming JMJ (Jesus, Mary & Joseph) would not have cut it today.  I will try to get back to my normal gregarious self tomorrow.  I’ve missed you guys.  Smooches.

 Dear Mother Fudging Bitch of a Woman who Stole MY Identity,

I am not only saddened by your callousness, I actually pity you.  I have worked a lifetime to become the person I am.  I hold my head up high because I feel I am a lady,  one that would make my mother and grandmother proud of me.  You quite obviously have no qualms about using this and the credit my name allows. 

I do have regrets in my life, who doesn’t?  I know I swear a little more than I should.  I do on occasion, admit to crude bodily noises.  Oh, one regret I still cringe about 18 years later is cheating on a spelling test in 6th grade, getting caught, and lying to my teacher, who because I was the good girl? Totally believed me.  I am still feeling guilt over this, Mrs. Kerns.  I’m truly sorry I lied…I went to confession and everything. 

But, you, you heartless beaver?  You force me to prove my innocence (and bear the burden of guilt first) over a measly $350?  How can you?  What did you buy with the fake check at the cash advance place?  Was it worth it?

The Woman Who Thinks you Should Be Forced to Serve Time in a Federal Pound You in the Ass Prison
(and that you get a violent cases of herpes)

Dear Rat Bastard at the Credit Company,

I understand you probably are confronted daily with people who claim they are innocent of the charges you lobby against them, but you know?  Sometimes?  They are.  When you are telling someone they have a loan out on a check from their employment at The Home Depot and they tell you they have been a stay-at-home-mother for four years?  Give them the benefit of the doubt.

When you pull this “YOU had to present four forms of ID to get the check advance” out of your effing ass?  And, a lady states she feels she is the victim of identity theft?  It would be super nice not be a total wiseass prick. 

It’s entirely possible I became a trifle hoity with you.  I’m sorry.  I just don’t appreciate you accusing me of lying, when I consider myself to be a very honest person.  I think when someone says, “Couldn’t you be a little more understanding?  I feel I am the victim of a crime here,” you could say something other than repeating your schpeel about 4 forms of ID. 

It was only at that point that I may have said something ala “I am rather well-educated and have a college degree.  Why would I work at Home Depot*?  My house and car were paid for in cash…why would I need a loan for such a paltry sum?”  Yes, this was a wee bit on the bitchy side, but you know what bastard?  The being a prick thing? Brought out the worst in me.  Saying, “I’m done with you,” and hanging up the phone on me?  Oh, hell hath no fury.  I sucked the Puppy on you.  And, he?  Is not nice on the phone.  Enjoy that one you whiskey dick.

The Woman you Hung Up on Today & Who Hopes you Suffer from ED and/or Premature Ejaculation

 *I have nothing against employees of HD.  I happen to love a company that supports Olympic athletes.  This had everything to do with how Mr. Penis Wrinkle treated me.

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Filed under Bad Mommy, Crazy woman, Don't Mess with the Bitch, Needy PMSing Witch